You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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