Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
