she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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