that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
