I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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