Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
