Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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