I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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