Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
