I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
