I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
