I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
