I didn't shave. On purpose
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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