Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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