Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
