I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
