Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
