wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
