Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
