Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
