he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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