she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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