Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
