dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
