I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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