if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
