Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
