When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
