it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
