my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
