I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
