mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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