If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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