Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
