based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
