Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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