Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
