I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
