my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
