Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
