When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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