This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
