Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
