Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
