Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
