Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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