the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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