While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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