the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
