If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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