i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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