the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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