I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
