I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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