i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
