I love black thongs
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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