Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
