hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
