Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
