I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
