I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
