i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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