He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Come on in and take your pants off
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